Panic

“We experience moments absolutely free from worry.  These brief respites are called panic. “ ~Cullen Hightower

I truly think I should be beyond the anxiety – the worry, the fear.  Today it reared it’s ugly head again. Today was an almost 2.5 year neck ultrasound after my last surgery. I felt ok going in to the appointment.  I know that what is to be can not be changed by me tapping my foot, wringing my hands, clenching my teeth or holding my breath. Those things just make it worse. So I went in with some calm and some good music on my Ipod and I was ok. Then the ultrasound started. The tech was going over and over the lymph nodes we are “following” and I honestly started to tear up. She was doing a great job – getting the pictures we need. This was at least my 10th ultrasound since my thyroid cancer ordeal began more than 5 years ago.  (probably closer to 15) So why was I so upset? It doesn’t make sense. But that’s what anxiety is. It is the worry that if you lie down on that bed one more time, they just might find what you aren’t looking for. If you have a device pushing and massaging your neck too hard the cancer may decide to pop up. If you close your eyes for too long the world will go back to black. That if you don’t watch the screen (which you can’t because you have to look up and to the left, right, left) they will find more cancer and the nightmare will start all over.

This is the fear that cancer patients live with all the time. It is this fear that is more paralyzing then the actual disease.

(I’m cheating here – I wrote this a few weeks ago as kind of a journal entry.)

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