Sam’s Club

The Armenian women in the area love Sam’s Club, Costco, those types of price clubs. They go there in their Lexus and Mercedes and Cadillacs and buy enough food to feed an army even if they don’t have any kids still at home and just cook for them and their husband (and their friends and family that stop by all the time). They are always looking for a deal and they LOVE big things. Big houses, big cars, big hair, big fancy dresses. So you see, Sam’s club is perfect for them.

My MIL LOVES Sam’s Club. She thought she had died and gone to heaven the first time she went. She comes home with the car (unfortunately just my minivan) full of toilet paper, laundry soap, body soap, shampoo (a jug so big she can’t keep it in the shower and has to pour it into a smaller bottle to fit on a shelf), and produce. Giant amounts of produce you think no one could eat before it goes bad, but she makes sure it is eaten. And sausage. You can’t believe the sausage. 

The conversation today: (you must remember my Russian is lacking and her English is nonexistant, so we try our best. She speaks Russian – but only words she thinks I know, and I speak mostly Russian, but mostly like a 2 year old’s vocabulary. And lots of hand guestures.)

Her: “I am going to the store, what do we need?” (in Russian)

Me (in my head – I haven’t been home for a week, so I don’t know) – “Nothing.”

Her: “toilet paper, cabbage, …..” goes on with her list out loud in Russian so I know what she is getting

Me: “The boy could use some muffins.” (my son is extremely picky because of his sensory processing and one thing he will eat is mini blueberry muffins – but not just any brand) 

They don’t have a word for muffins in Russian. Or at least that’s what they all tell me. They call crackers and cookies and little dessert type things “cookies” or “little cakes” depending on what it is.

Her: “what kind?” 

Me: Not knowing how to describe it and knowing if she gets the wrong brand he won’t eat it, and also not realizing she is going to sam’s club I just tell her I will get some tomorrow.

I go to take a nap while the boy goes to school. She has her husband take her to Sam’s club. When I get up she shows me the GIANT box of muffins she got. These types of muffins come 4 in a plastic bag, so it’s fine that it’s in a GIANT box – they won’t go bad very quickly and he can just eat them one bag at a time. But the box is GIANT I tell you – I have never seen so many mini muffins! You would think we had a daycare.

They are actually a brand he will eat and are the right type. BUT there are two other types in the box that he won’t eat. Chocolate chip and some brownie type muffin (I know – my kid is wierd).

Me: “Thanks those are good.”

Her: Tells me how much each of her purchases cost and what a great deal she got and shows me a GIANT box of 100 snack size microwave popcorn bags she got too. Which suck. I hate the snack size ones – they pop less kernels in my opinion and there is only enough for my son, so I have to do 2-3 bags if I want to make them for the family. But whatever – she can’t read that it says snack sized and if she could she wouldn’t understand what that means. 

I am beginning to hate Sam’s almost as much as she loves it.

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