I was always a smart child. I really was. They wanted me in the gifted and talented program, but my mom thought it was a waste of time – and honestly it was – they didn’t have much of a program. Extra worksheets and such.
But as I grew others began to realize that I was one of those people who insisted on learning things the HARD way. And by hard I mean getting smacked in the face dozens of times before I stopped walking into the same door.
It took me a very long time to realize this myself, and it is still my default drive. It is still the way I learn. I don’t know why. I’m smart, I’m sensible. I just have to do everything the hardest way possible.
Tonight I got figuratively smacked in the face. I was reminded of some old trauma. My first real trauma. Which of course reminded me of other old traumas. Which of course reminded me of all the ways I have tried to deal with trauma. None of which has been particularly effective. And many of which created more trauma.
I have been feeling stuck lately. Stuck in my life, stuck in my relationships, stuck in my health, stuck in my old habits (although, not my OLD OLD habits, thank goodness – we do have to keep some semblance of reality here – there is a child involved now).
I have had several people including a doctor tell me perhaps it’s time to address some of these old and new issues. (I mean, she has been through 5 years of hell, preceeded by a good 15 years of brokenness before that. Hello.)
I think it is time to stop slamming my face with the door.
I am going to be embarking on some difficult work. Not for myself, well, maybe a little, but mostly for my son. And my husband and his sanity.
I have been taking a lot of things out on him lately – and blaming a lot of the bad feelings in my life on circumstances surrounding our home life. But the other day when I was getting a massage for my neck pain, I realized something. All of the stress that was coming out – all of the pain – not one time did I think about those issues. I thought about my mom and her health. My cancer. My son’s struggles in school. I thought about my dad and what he needs right now. I thought about some really old stuff. NOT ONCE did I think about my husband, or my parents in law being here with us, or my mother in law cleaning out my closet. Not once. My issues run so much deeper and to realize that these little concerns are what I am focusing on because I am running from the real issues? HUGE.
So I am trying to let go of those little issues. Or at least sweep them away a bit. And I am trying to stop burying myself. In fat and in clutter and in food and in pills and in physical pain and in guilt and in “things” I don’t need, and in attention, and in drama. And in brokenness.
And I am going to do the hard work.
I hope we all come out in one piece.
(This beautiful image is not my work, but it resonated so strongly with me- I borrowed it from a woman named “Ruthie Dean” – who’s website has some beautiful work. http://ruthiedean.com/2011/09/19/strength-and-brokenness/ )