Melancholia

There have been times in my life that have been so full of emotional pain that I wasn’t sure I could make it through them. There have also been times of simple melancholia. Simple sadness, simple “nothing is quite right – ness”. 

A friend posted a Faulkner quote today on Facebook and it almost broke me. 

“Given a choice between grief and nothing, I’d choose grief.”  ~William Faulkner

There have been times in my life when this simply wasn’t true. When I was hanging on to this life by mere threads and by the simple fact that I had hoped for something better. Sometimes you need that something better to get through hard times. Sometimes the emptiness in life is just too much.

The last few weeks have been hard on me – I have fallen into what I can only describe as a pool of grey. I am sad, but not depressed. I don’t want to do the things I normally do, but I am not laying in bed all day. I am down, but not beaten.

I know that I can change this. I know the ways to at least help it. But as usual I wallow in the grey, taking my family with me, or letting them go on their own way for a while. 

At least I have come to the point in my life where I know the quote above applies to me. I am too in love with my family to choose nothing. I want to be here for them and them for me.

So, I will wallow no more. I will take my son out in the sunshine and I will spend time loving him and I will allow my mind to open to the calm and happier times. 

Nothing is forever. This will pass. In the meantime, motherhood may be the thing that has turned my life around more than anything else, and I will remember that, and thank my son.

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