Dear Universe:

*warning for language.  bad words – but totally warrranted in my opinion.*

Dear Universe:

We are ready for the easy part, bitch.

Seriously. 5 years of cancer. Numerous other health problems. My mom being sick for the last 10 years and then being diagnosed with early onset alzheimers and loosing her self and her drive to live. My dad having prostate cancer. My son having some special needs problems. Other family members going through hard times and not knowing where to look for support because we all have so much CRAP going on that we don’t want to pile ONE MORE thing on each other. My dad having to try to figure out medical stuff when he has always hated it and avoided it. My frustration with trying to juggle all of it. NO ONE taught me how to juggle. What the hell? How did I miss that lesson?

I had a friend tell me once that you have to go through bad times to pay for good times. (when I was giong through a really bad time) You can prepay – like kids who have a hard childhood. Or you can pay later. I’ll admit I had a pretty great childhood. But I have had lots of struggles since I was 21 or so and I just can’t believe that my childhood was THAT great.

Today has been a hard day. I am helping take care of my mom. She hasn’t been feeling well today. I am away from my son who won’t listen to his grandparents. He has been up late for 3 days and I can hear his crankiness. Last night he literally cried on the phone to me for 30 minutes. I had to hang up on him. I felt like the mom who leaves her son in jail overnight because he was drinking and driving and she just had to give him some tough love. Except my son is 5 and doesn’t get it. So maybe more like the mom who leaves her mentally disabled drunk son in jail overnight. SIGH.

I am usually really good at looking at the positive side of things. I have had to develop this so I don’t just give up and leave my son stranded in chaos and mental illness. But today it just isn’t coming. (see below)

Seriously, universe, I am all paid up. I am done paying for my childhood, so either there better be some damn good days coming soon, or you better pay it forward to my son when it’s his turn, cause I’m done. I need a break. We all do.

Fuck you, alzheimers. You are a mean and heartless asshole. Fuck you, cancer. You are a cruel bitch. Fuck you, too much crap to deal with at one time. You aren’t helping.

There, I said it – this is how I feel. I want the easy part. I want to breathe. And I don’t think that is too much to ask.

 

 

(I actually DID make a list of the things I am thankful for today – the good side – and here it is if you want to read it – but above – that’s what I really feel – this stuff below is just the dinghy I cling to when the storms are setting in.

I am happy I CAN come help my mom. 4 years ago it was her helping me – and I couldn’t have helped her. I am happy my son has someone to take care of him when I am not there, and that my mom can have some peace and quiet without him here. And honestly, I am thankful I can have some too. I am happy we can afford daycamp so it’s not such a hard time there and he gets to continue to socialize. I am happy my husband works so hard to provide for us so I can do these things and we can take care of our son’s special needs. I am happy I have an extended family that works so hard to make things work out – work right – to make things easier on each other when we can – to help each other in any way possible. I am lucky. I truly am. But I’m still ready for easy.)

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