Some days are hard.
I have been waking early and in pain a lot lately. I am trying to figure out what all this pain is, but have yet to pin point it. Going to several specialists in the next week or two. This morning I woke up at 5 and I was hurting from my head to my fingers on the right side, and both legs. I try to meditate when I wake up early like that, but I often have a restless body and brain.
I don’t like to write posts like this. I want to be funny and fun and smiling and bright. I hate to admit I am those things much less than I want to be. Much less, even, then I try to be. I hate to admit I hurt all the time. I hate to admit that I complain about my little ailments when there are plenty of people out there who would be happy to have mine instead of theirs.
I decided to write this post today because life isn’t about always feeling good. Or always being happy. Life hurts. Life hurts not just physically, but in other ways too. It hurts everyone and some times it hurts a lot. Sometimes life is about just showing up. Just getting out of bed and doing what you have to do. Or just waking up and doing what you have to do – if you can’t get out of bed. I know there are people out there who can’t.
It took me a long time to learn this lesson.
I had it easy in school. I got easy A’s and skipped school a lot. Told my parents I was sick and lay in bed reading. When I went to college I didn’t know how to do “show up every day, study every day” type of work. When I quit college and tried to move into the real world, I couldn’t hold down a job. I called in sick all the time. When my depression was bad, when I hadn’t been able to sleep, if I was feeling badly… which was all the time. I called in sick. And I lost job after job. Some of them I really liked.
Eventually, and with help from a friend, I figured it out. I figured out that sometimes you have to live hour to hour. You can do anything for an hour if you have to. So you get up and you go to work and you work for an hour. By that time it’s silly to go home, so you finish your shift.
All you really have to do is show up.
Some days that’s all you CAN do. So you do it, and day by day you get through it.
My son seems to have this same default setting – and I am trying to break that. Just this morning (after he got up) he told me he couldn’t go to camp because he hadn’t slept well because I won’t sleep with him at night anymore. I told him the fun things he was going to do and that it’s one of his last days, so he needs to go and have fun with his friends. He dragged himself (literally, dragging himself across the floor with his arms) through getting ready and we went. When we got there the kids were outside and when they saw him they all yelled his name and were jumping up and down to play. He smiled a huge smile and when we got in ran to play. Sometimes if I just get him to show up, it all turns out great.
Don’t get me wrong. We have wonderful days thrown in there too. We have terrific and lovely days where even if I do hurt, we have fun and we see lovely things, or just spend lovely time together.
But… some days are hard. And I just show up. And that’s ok too.
*Edit – AND sometimes “just show up” backfires too. Like when your mom makes you go to camp when you say you are too tired and the camp calls her 20 minutes later to say you have been puking everywhere. Poor little guy. I SWEAR he didn’t say he was sick, or even look bad when I took him. By the time I picked him up he was green.