I was getting on to post some long and probably very boring post about moms, single moms, moms of kids with special needs, winter break, and the such after a long, tedious, fit filled day. But I stopped by facebook first. Something wormed it’s way into my head and heart in just a minute or two that is now pounding to be let out onto “paper”. And so… I have the choice to let it out or deny myself decent sleep tonight. I need my sleep, I have had precious little lately.
We all have defining moments in our lives. If you stop your mind, quiet your breath and heart, and focus – really focus on who you are and where you came from, you will likely find a handful of moments. Moments that changed you, or your course in life, moments that defined you. Moments that allowed some other, later moment to happen. Some are good, some are bad. All are likely very powerful emotional memories.
Of course these moments are very personal. Most of us would only share them with our most trusted loved ones. Maybe. These moments are so much a part of our core being we feel the need to protect them, to truly wrap ourselves around them and keep them safe – as if they could disintegrate right in front of us when exposed to the light.
I have 7 moments. 7 moments starting when I was 8 that changed my life completely. 7 moments that helped to define who I am now and who I will be in the future. 7 moments scorched into my heart and mind.
But what if these defining moments take a different shape? What if these defining moments are not moments at all, but an underlying theme that courses through your life like a river? What if instead of coming as a lightening bolt the change comes as a slow and steady undercurrent pulling you forward toward your future?
This, too, has been a way of defining my life. Yes, the lightening bolts truly stand out in my mind. The shocking, the bold, the powerful, the painful – that makes a real impression. The always coursing undercurrent? It is the force that drags me, pulls me, gives me momentum, keeps me going in a certain direction, it prevents me from becoming too stagnant.
Today one of those undercurrents became painfully clear. Not in any sort of lightening bolt way, but in the way that anyone who has tried to stand still in a river or heavy stream can understand. That current won’t be denied. You can only stand still and hold your ground for so long. Eventually it will drag you with it, moving you forward along with everything else in it’s path. Eventually that current will wear a path in the very rock and earth it is coursing over. Eventually that current will win. Lightening bolts – they are fast and powerful and then they are over, leaving a scar perhaps, making an impression, once in a while causing great damage through fire. Water – water is a never ending constant – soft and smooth and sometimes unnoticeable. Until it is. Until it pulls you along or even under.
Today I realized for another time in my life; but strongly and suddenly; that most of the people I truly love in this life feel and think and even see the world completely differently than I do. It almost feels like we are in parallel dimensions. We both see and feel and taste and touch the same world physically, but everything else is completely different. Meanings behind things, what is or is not important, the driving forces behind our actions and decisions. Among the things we find most precious, all we have in common is each other.
One thing hits me. The realization that while I know some of what they believe, possibly a large portion of what they believe, they truly don’t know what I believe, or why, or care to know for that matter.
It is an aloneness I have felt since I was a teenager – probably about age 11. A setting apart of myself which is truly my choice, but also necessary for my survival. Were I to go back and try to change it, were I to go back and follow along with my friends and family I would not make it through to adult hood. It would stifle and suffocate me. It would extinguish my very being. Were I to go back and stop looking at things so closely, stop trying to find reason and meaning and find what truly matters to myself, I would not have survived. I suppose everyone goes through this at some point. I suppose those I love the most have, and have found what THEY truly need as well, and that is how we find ourselves at this point. And I think it is “good” or “healthy” when someone finds what they need to survive or thrive in this world, even if it is different from what I need.
Yet, sometimes it is very lonely. Like tonight. Sometimes I don’t feel like I have many I can open up to, many I can share with, many I can truly relate to. Sometimes I feel like that river is so empty, with just me being carried along in it. I meet people along the way who feel much the way I do, in many of the same areas of life. That strengthens my heart and eases my soul for a while. When I meet those people I try to stay afloat with them for a while, to feed my core self. Eventually, though I am pulled again along a different path.
I am ok being alone in this journey. I suppose we all are in many ways. We all have to find our way, look for what is good and right and necessary in our own lives. Feed our own daemons or monsters or fairies or kind woodland creatures.
But for tonight, I just want to find someone to float with for a while.