It’s been a difficult week.
It shouldn’t have been. Honestly most everything has been very nice. Mother’s day was very nice, volunteering at the school was nice, having a few chats with some lovely people was nice. Hanging out with friends was nice. Making pancakes with my boy for his dad’s birthday today was nice. It’s all been pretty nice.
But sometimes even when everything is pretty nice, my brain does this thing to trick me. It only focuses on the things that are upsetting me. In fact, it focuses on those few things so much that it is difficult to see all of the nice things.
I have been thinking about things I have absolutely no control over, like the state of the world, or missing girls on another continent. I have been thinking about things loved ones did that upset me. I have been uncomfortable in my own skin.
Those are the times I know I am slipping and I need to stop and get control again. Those are the times when I know I am in danger of sliding down that deep hole of depression.
So, here I am focusing on the good things.
Yesterday I had a meeting at my son’s school – I heard from three people I have never met about how funny and smart and witty and humorous my son is. It feels good to hear those things from people who are outside my immediate circle, because it tells me he really is ok. He really is happy and mentally healthy despite all of the things we go through to try to make him happy and healthy. The charming psychologist told me “Don’t stop. Don’t stop what you are doing. All these things you do make a difference. They support him at school.” And one of the people I met with challenged me to look at his day as a whole. If he has a bad lunchtime, that’s ok, if he had a good rest of the day and got his work done and got along with peers. I hadn’t ever thought about that. I honestly have always been so concerned with “controlling” all of the things, that I forget we all have good and bad parts of our days. So, a new challenge, and a good one.
I had a lovely mother’s day and I have had a good time chatting with or hanging out with several friends this week. 3 years ago I had very few friends near by and I didn’t have the energy to get together with them. Now I am able to enjoy the company of other people without exhausting myself.
Two nights ago my son had a stuffy nose. He called me into his room several times to help him, then ended up crying in my bed for half an hour until I could get a nasal rinse, nose spray and glass of water to help him calm down. It was really a ridiculous thing – his father and I were frustrated. He hasn’t acted like this in a while (been throwing more fits lately) and it is starting to wear on us. BUT in the midst of it all, at one point I had gone into the bathroom and he was calling me again. His little cries of “mom!” hit me in the heart. I realized that I am the only one who he calls for in the night. I am the only one he thinks of when he wakes uncomfortable and unable to sleep. I am his person – for now – and I love that.
This summer I have whittled down our activities. We will be going to swimming lessons and karate. That’s it. He has one week long day camp, we will be going on 2 trips to Wyoming hopefully, and his cousins are coming to see us. That’s all. The rest of the time we are going to hang out, go to parks, go to the zoo, relax together, play with the neighborhood kids. Go swimming. We are going to enjoy each other.
I am going to focus on these things and keep them in the front of my mind. And all of the other good things I have in life – like family and friends and health and happiness. Thanks for letting me use this forum as my therapy. It’s way cheaper. Also cheaper than jail or the psych ward.